


Come on Love, Draw Your Swords

by maximumtrash



Series: The Moon's Serenade [4]
Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: Anxiety, Cardan UWU Greenbriar, Cardan doesn't have a pregnancy kink he just has a kink for pleasing Jude, Cardan shares his feelings because he's a big boy now, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gratuitous use of italics, Happy Ending, Jude and Taryn make up because this is a feel good AU, Jude has anxiety about her changing body and being a mother, Jude paces a lot because emotions are hard, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Plant Dad Cardan, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vaginal Fingering, baby names are hard for them, fic earns its explicit rating in chapter 5, no beta we die like warriors, tbh this basically has no plot, yeah i went there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2020-11-02 11:03:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20724092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maximumtrash/pseuds/maximumtrash
Summary: Sing to me, MoonlightFor you, dear, are honey-tonguedI dream just for you.Or: The one where Jude finds out she's pregnant and Cardan begins collecting a thousand plants.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I've had this outlined for some time now. This is very self-indulgent, I will not pretend otherwise. I plan to edit this entire piece sometime in the future, so please excuse the many mistakes that are most likely in here.
> 
> (Warning: There is a brief description of vomiting in this part, if you're uncomfortable with that and would like to skip it, stop reading at “Almost too late,...” and continue at “This is another reason why…”)
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

This morning is the same as the last ones have been. Dew lies softly on the ground. Birds sing their brittle songs. The heavy, late-summer air shifts around Jude as she sprints down paved roads, sweat rolling down her neck, heart pumping. Her sneakers grip the gravel just right as she propels herself forward, forcing her body faster and faster. Jude loves running, she started doing it regularly three years ago when she would visit Vivi in the mortal world. She doesn’t remember why it began, but it had something to do with not wanting to be closed up indoors, or feeling anxious and jittery. Perhaps both. From then, it became something she liked even when she felt perfectly fine.

Jude has _ not _ felt fine lately.

She arrived at Vivi’s house a week ago, a month or so earlier than they had planned for her to. It was unannounced, but Vivi and her latest girlfriend, Aleena, didn’t seem to mind. They let her take the guest bedroom with no questions asked, which worked well for Jude because she had no answers to give. 

She’s been restless. Jude knows something is off with herself, but she hasn’t been able to pinpoint the reason. It’s kept her awake for so many days she’s begun to lose count. Cardan has noticed, and is convinced it has to do with a recent fight they had. It was ugly and loud, but they made up quickly, and Jude paid no mind to it after. She thought for a short time that it might have to do with the pressure of ruling, but dismissed it eventually because she genuinely feels comfortable with her status now. 

Six years have passed since she’s been the High Queen. In that time, the unrest at Jude’s position has dwindled. There are still the occasional threats, but no more than there are to the High King himself. Most of the Folk have come to terms with her, or have been thoroughly distracted by the many feasts and revels the over time to care much. At one point, a small war was fought between the Crown and a sizable group of those opposing their rule, and it was won after mere months. Oak returned, for what was supposed to be permanently, sometime over a year ago. Cardan and Jude, with palpable tension, were nevertheless fully ready to step down so that he may take the throne, as promised.

He refuses to rule to this day, and splits his time between the mortal world and Faerie, claiming he wants nothing to do with being king.

So Cardan and Jude have continued to reign side by side. Jude is happier than she could ever hope to describe, despite the pull in her gut that tells her something isn’t quite right anymore.

Her thighs shake, the burn scorching through to her feet. Her fingers have gone numb, and she stumbles to a stop in front of Vivi’s front lawn. As she laces her fingers behind her head, sucking in air, she begins to walk up the driveway. 

Inside, no one is awake yet. Jude grabs a glass of water, and a short glance at the clock on the microwave tells her it’s 8:13 AM. Jude left at 5:30. Her eyes squeeze shut as she attempts to calm her breathing, but her heartbeat is still wild behind her ribs. She can feel the lingering flush on her skin The sweat on her body turns cold and sticky too quickly. 

Almost too late, she recognizes what’s going to happen.

She’s in the bathroom down the hall in seconds, slamming the door behind her, hunching over the toilet, the back of her throat becoming wet before an overwhelming wave of nausea has her gagging, throwing up the water she just drank.

This is another reason why she’s been on edge: bouts of nausea. It has been happening for over a month and trying to hide it from Cardan was getting to be too tiring. That’s how she found herself in the mortal world earlier than scheduled. Jude’s never had a problem like this before and she’s been chalking it up to stress, but the longer it goes on, the less sure she is about it. About anything, really.

At some point, Vivi knocks on the door. 

“Jude?” Her voice is tired and annoyed. “Are you throwing up again?”

Jude wipes at her mouth and leans her cheek against her arm across the toilet. “Go away.”

“That’s the fourth time this week,” Vivi says. Jude can hear footsteps outside the bathroom and harsh whispers, before they recede. She doesn’t know how long she sits there on the floor, but she feels groggy and frustrated, and after all that’s been going on, she wants to cry. 

There’s another knock on the door. Jude lifts her head as Aleena walks in, all long legs and deep, dark skin. She kneels before Jude with a bag in her hands, worry etched across the smooth skin of her face. Her winged eyeliner is sharp and bright yellow.

“Are you alright?” She asks softly, pressing the back of her hand to Jude’s forehead. Jude really likes Aleena, she’s sweet, brilliant, and doesn’t put up with Vivi’s shit. She also doesn’t mind the whole Faerie thing. “How’s the Queen doing?” 

Jude huffs a small laugh and gives her a tired smile. “I’m fine. Just pushed myself too hard, I suppose.” 

Aleena raises an eyebrow. After a moment, she says, “These are from Vi and me. Come out when you’re ready,” and she leaves, gently shutting the door behind her. Jude looks down at the bag she’s left her with and hesitates before reaching for it. 

As soon as she processes what the contents of the bag are, the color drains from her face and she’s immediately embarrassed.

The boxes stare back at her, intimidating and filling her with a sense of dread.

_ That’s _ _ — _

Jude drops the bag, her hands shaking. She takes a deep breath, then another, and dares to look down again, and, yes, those are most definitely what she thinks they are. Humans use them to test for pregnancy. 

Heat takes over her. It shouldn’t be possible, they’ve been too busy to spend that much time together recently save for some early walks and lounging around, and then the unsettling feeling Jude’s suffering from started and things between them became slightly strained. She can’t remember if they_—_

_ No, wait, yes, there _ was _ one time, recently _ _ — _

_ Shit. _

Her body stills as it dawns on her that there really could be a possibility. It was a few months ago, maybe. They had just woken up, and the gentle touching slowly turned to soft kisses, which turned to sleepy sex and Jude had honestly forgotten about it completely.

Panic pierces through her and she tears open the first box, the two tests inside falling into her palm. She doesn’t know exactly how to use them, but she can guess, and after the quickest skim over the instructions, Jude is yanking her tight leggings down and sticking one between her legs.

The waiting is the hardest part. Jude doesn’t usually bite her nails, but she finds herself chewing on them and goes to gulp water from the sink instead as a distraction. Pacing only gets her so far in the small room, shoes squeaking against the small tiles and padding over the bath mat near the toilet over and over again. She can hear her sister in the kitchen, presumably pouring bowls of cereal. Anxiety rushes in her chest, spiking in her fingers. She might throw up again.

Finally, she can’t stand waiting any longer. Jude snatches the test from the counter and tries to give herself a second to breathe before looking.

Her stomach drops.

_ Oh. _

She doesn’t let herself think. Tears spring to her eyes involuntarily as she rips open the next test and repeats her process, pressing on her bladder. 

Jude doesn’t notice the time passing now, she keeps her gaze trained on the wall in front of her until the results show up.

Sure enough, there’s a faint line glaring up at her, just like the last one. 

_ Oh, no. _

Her mind goes blank. She wrenches the door open, marching right by Aleena and Vivi to the fridge. They watch as she gulps as many glasses of water as she can, not saying a word. Then she barricades herself in the bathroom again as soon as she sets her cup down. Jude doesn’t leave until the other box of tests are sitting on the counter, four in total with soft pink symbols all telling her the same thing.

Her fear comes slow as reality sets in, then all at once.

_ No, no, no, no _ _ — _

Jude’s back hits the wall, and then she’s sliding to the ground, her head in her hands, and all she can think is: _ this can’t be happening, I can’t have a baby, I won’t be a good mother, what will I tell Cardan? _

_ Cardan. _

“Fuck,” she whispers. And suddenly, her thoughts jump right into what her next steps should be. She purposely doesn’t think about what will come later, setting those aside to freak out about another time. Right now, she’s going to view this as a problem she needs to fix. She blots at sweat she didn’t realize had gathered on her face before she stands. Her feet have taken her back out the door before she really processes it. Then, she’s standing in the kitchen again, exhaustion weighing on her shoulders, Aleena and her sister looking at her expectantly. 

“I’m pregnant,” she says without any warning, no real emotion behind it. A flash of amusement crosses Vivi’s face, and Aleena looks sympathetic. There’s a lengthy pause where none of them say a word, Jude’s announcement hanging thick in the air between them. Vivi clears her throat.

“Well, no surprise there,” she says, and Aleena slaps her on the shoulder. 

“I don’t know what to... “ Jude trails off. She’s floundering right now, which is a state no one ever gets to see her in. “What to tell him,” she finishes, hating the vulnerability of her words. 

Aleena crosses the kitchen to stand before her and takes her hands. “Just tell him the truth.” 

Jude laughs stiffly. It’s funny, because though Aleena likes Cardan, every time they’re in the same room they bicker, and she calls him a drama queen. Jude wonders how Aleena would handle telling a melodramatic mythical creature that she’s pregnant with his child.

“That’s easier said than done,” she says, pulling her hands from Aleena and taking her hair out of her ponytail, combing her hands through the strands. She sighs. “How do you tell the bratty High King of Elfhame he’s going to be a father?” 

Vivi snorts. Jude folds her arms in front of her. 

“I’m sure he’ll take it like everyone else would,” Aleena offers. 

“But Cardan has never given any indication he wants children, we always— he just—” Jude is gesturing now, words tumbling out of her mouth uncharacteristically. “His past wasn’t very — oh, damn, I just don’t know what to _ do.” _

  
It isn’t until Vivi touches her, hands on her shoulders and pulling her into her arms that Jude stops rambling. They don’t get this close very often. 

“It’ll be okay,” she says, voice low and confident, ”Just tell him, he’ll be fine. He loves you, you know that.” 

Jude relaxes a bit. She knows Vivi is right. She needs to tell him, then they will announce it to the Court. The thought makes her queasy all over again, but she knows there will surely be some who are pleased that the High King and Queen will have an heir. After that… Well, she hasn’t gotten that far. If she thinks about it, she’ll absolutely lose it. 

“Right,” she mumbles into Vivi’s shoulder before pulling away, straightening her posture, trying to compose herself. “I’m going to go. I have to… I have to go and tell him.”

Aleena looks alarmed. “Right now? Are you sure you wouldn’t want to stay and get him to come here? Summon him, or something?”

“No,” Jude says, “I want to go home. I need to go home.” 

"Should I come with you?" Vivi asks. Jude shakes her head and steps away, a sudden, deep longing spreading through her chest. She's disoriented, this all feels unreal, like she's watching it happen from outside her body. 

“Okay,” Aleena says, understanding in her eyes. She steps up next to her girlfriend and takes her hand. “Do you need to get anything ready?”

“No, I have everything I need, you know all of my mortal belongings stay here."

She's in a true rush to leave. It's strange. Minutes ago she wasn’t sure when she would ever go. The whiplash should be startling to her, but it isn’t. 

Jude does grab Nightfell from the guest room and throws away the pregnancy tests, but aside from that, she really has nothing else with her. She’ll return in her dirty tank top and pants; she doesn’t care, she just needs to get back.

She leaves swiftly, giving a hug to Aleena and a nod to Vivi before striding toward the front door of the house. As she closes it behind her, Aleena calls after her.

“Jude!”

She looks back over her shoulder, butterflies fluttering in her belly, and meets Aleena’s dark eyes. 

“Congratulations,” she says with a big smile and soft eyes. The flash of anxiety is back, and Jude tries her hardest to appreciate that Aleena is trying to make her feel better. She barely manages a smile.

“Yeah,” says Vivi, “You better make me the godmother, or something.” 

And though it’s full of nerves, Jude laughs, then shuts the door. She wishes she could go back in time to when she woke this morning, but the last thirty minutes have felt so pivotal. It's almost as if she knew change was going to come. Her life, as insane as it already is, has just taken a turn once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not yet, she tells herself. It’s okay to not tell him just yet.

Her first step back into the palace feels full of purpose. Cardan should be in the throne room, but instead of going there, she follows the halls deeper to their shared rooms. The grand doors swinging open for her are a welcome comfort. 

Jude bathes and tells herself that she’ll have a personal guard summon her husband once she’s done. 

That never happens. 

She slips on a baggy pair of trousers, soft and heavy, and one of Cardan’s sleeping shirts. Still, she does not summon him. 

She tries reading, but that doesn’t take her mind off of anything. Eventually, she ends up pacing once again, running her thumb over the flat part of her ring finger, trying to wrangle her thoughts together. 

_ How am I going to say it? What will he think? Should I— _

“Jude?” 

She whips around, startled, and sees Cardan standing in front of her, looking as heart-wrenchingly beautiful as ever. The Blood Crown sits on his brow, his inky black hair curls near his jaw, longer in these last few years than when they were younger. He wears an embroidered, flowing shirt—one of her favorites on him—and a thin chain around his neck. She hadn’t heard him come in. He must have entered, closed the doors behind him, and made his way to their private bedroom without her noticing.

“Is everything alright?” He brushes he fingers over her cheekbone, and Jude is overcome with a surge of emotions. She doesn’t understand why, but she feels unhinged. “You returned to me early,” he finishes, voice intrigued.

Without warning, Jude throws her arms around his neck and tucks her face near to his throat, breathing him in. Tentatively, he responds, holding her against his chest. 

“Something must be wrong,” he chuckles. Jude fights back tears, frustrated with her hesitation and her lack of control over her emotions, currently. 

This is her chance, she just needs to form the words and speak them. They’re right on her tongue, her chest hitching over them. She feels like screaming. When she finally does say something, it’s not what she planned to.

“I’m fine,” is all she says, and releases her hold on him to brave looking him in the eye. “Just had a fight with Vivi.” 

She curses herself inwardly. 

The way Cardan looks at her makes her feel pinned to the spot. His eyes search hers for a long moment.

“Okay,” he says, though he seems like he wants to say more. He drops his arms, then, and saunters over to a wardrobe across the room. Jude’s chest tightens, and she swallows, her throat thick. 

_ Not yet, _ she tells herself. _ It’s okay to not tell him just yet. _

Not yet becomes _ it’s not the right moment, _ then _ I’m not ready, _and soon enough, days turn into a week. Jude knows she’s not being fair to herself or to him. She really should start seeing one of the palace healers, but she can’t until she tells Cardan. It would be disastrous if she had herself looked at and somehow all of Elfhame found out, then Cardan had to hear the news secondhand. 

She feels like a child that’s done something wrong and is trying to hide the fact from her parents. That’s really what she’s doing: hiding. She doesn’t want to face the reality of her situation and go through with it. By prolonging telling him, she’s protecting herself. It’s selfish, she knows it is, but every time she tries to say the truth, it just doesn’t come out.

_ I’m pregnant, _ she wants to say one day that they read silently near each other in their private library. Cardan seems the pinnacle of confidence and ease while lounging in a plump chair, but his tail flicks beside him as it does when he’s nervous. Jude skims over the same page of her book for the seventh time, eyes jumping to her husband. 

She doesn’t know why she can’t say it. She wants to tell him desperately, and there is no better time than now. Cardan must be able to sense her gaze on him, but he only sits silently, like he’s waiting. Jude takes a deep breath, opens her mouth, but the words get caught in her throat. 

_ I’m a coward, _ she wants to say when they’re walking through some of the newer palace gardens later on. She wants to shout it to the sky, scream it so that everyone will know. She’s a coward; she’s afraid. Cardan doesn’t speak, boot-clad feet gliding almost soundlessly over the path, cloak made of the finest purple velvet spilling off of one shoulder. His silence feels thoughtful, even patient, or maybe Jude is reading into it too much as a means to make herself feel better. When she glances at him and he meets her eyes immediately, her stomach swoops. She looks away. 

Waves of nausea wake Jude up the following day, the sun high in the sky, Cardan asleep beside her. She dashes from the bed and into another room, leaning over a chamber pot. Through sheer force, she stamps down the need to gag, willing herself to keep her composure. It helped that she had nothing to eat throughout the night, too anxious for an appetite. When it passes, she sits for a while, settling herself. Then she makes to go back to bed, soft pants and thick shirt hanging loosely off of her.

Cardan is staring when she pads back into their bedroom, silk sheets tangled around him, embroidered canopy pulled back. She can’t look at him. When she crawls back into the bed, he gets up and leaves. Jude fights the urge to cry at the sight of him disappearing through an archway into his study, tail swinging restlessly. 

She takes a few moments to compose herself before she follows, blood pumping feverishly beneath her skin as her bare feet slip across the cold stone floor.

Though it is bright outside, his personal study has no windows, so he keeps a large fire lit for her usually, as it is right now. His back is to her. Warm light brushes against his skin and fills the room. Jude stands some feet away on a rug by his ornate desk, too nervous to approach. She knows what she needs to say, but she still can’t. It eats away at her in their silence.

Jude loses track of how long she watches him. It could be an hour, but she can’t tell. She has long since sat down in a nearby chair, too emotionally drained from these last weeks to find the strength to keep herself up. No one has come to disturb them from the main room of their apartments, and Cardan stands like a statue except for his tail, which swings behind him. She still can’t see his face. Her pulse is wild. 

“Have I offended you?” Cardan’s voice shatters the tense silence. Jude can hear the confusion in his tone, the concern. Her heart sinks at the words. 

“Offended me?” She whispers. 

“Yes,” he says, and turns to her rather abruptly. She can finally see how these past months have been affecting him; there is pain pooling in his midnight eyes, and it dances with the flickering firelight that reflects there. “Have I done something to wrong you? You’re upset. You have been since you returned from your visit with Vivienne, and I dare say things have not been right for months, now, as well.” 

Jude says nothing, but she holds his gaze.

“I’ve thought through the possibilities, and I’m certain I have not said anything considered worthy of shame to you,” he continues, voice pleading. Guilt floods through her. Despite how much she wants to close the distance between them, she stays seated. The weight of his stare is heavy. He seems like he is waiting for her to say something, then realizes she won’t. “I know I am talented at vexing others and enjoy it often, but I promise you that I am deeply sorry for whatever I’ve done.”

Jude sucks in a shaky breath, tears welling in her eyes. He takes a step toward her and she looks away, unable to bear it any longer. 

“Jude,” he begs. She feels him begin to close in on her, and she can’t help that her eyes go to the soft hair weaving around his pointed ears. All she can think of is if their child will have hair like his.

“What did I—”

“I’m pregnant,” the words tumble from her lips before she can think about it, loud and rushed. She stands again on weak legs. There’s no sound but the crackle of the fire. He’s only a step away from her, and she can feel her body thrumming as she hangs her head and stares at her feet. Cardan shifts, just barely.

“What?” It’s small, his voice cracking. She still can’t look him in the eye. 

“I’m—”

“Yes, I heard you,” his says like a caress. Jude swallows around the large lump in her throat. Her eyes are wet, her chest tight. She’s embarrassed. Not because she’s pregnant, and not because she told him. She just feels… so—

“You’re… This is real? It’s the truth?” He asks, voice barely there. Jude nods, fingers twisting her ruby ring that she still keeps on her finger. And then, to her utter disbelief, Cardan laughs.

It sounds like bells, like birdsong, and she finally looks at him. Cardan’s eyes are bright, shining, and crinkling along the edges. His smile is one that could blind, and Jude feels like something just _ bursts _inside of her at the sight. For the first time in as long as she can remember, she’s crying, really, really crying. But she’s laughing, too, and throwing herself into his arms. 

“Jude,” he says into the crook of her neck, his hands stroking her back and running through her hair, “This is wonderful.” She can feel him grinning, and her stomach does flips, hope flaring in her chest, and she’s overwhelmed by a rush of contentment like she’s never felt before. Her body melts into his. 

He pulls back from their embrace, bodies still flush, and cradles her face in his hands, thumbs stroking her tears away. 

“I have never been more happy than I am now,” he says. 

And Jude kisses him. She does it with everything she’s got. The kiss is warm honey, dripping with promise. That’s how they spend the next hours, kissing and laughing into each other’s mouths, sharing breaths and finding comfort in each other. 

Jude hasn’t felt this light in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These first two parts were the shortest and least exciting in my opinion. I've got 80 pages of this in total right now, so we're getting somewhere with the length. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her will has always been strong, but seven years is a long time to hold a grudge. Jude has forgiven betrayal before. She can do it again.

Awareness comes to her slowly, the pull of sleep is heavy behind her eyes. The sun is just dipping behind the horizon, twilight lingering between the trees. Jude rolls to her back underneath a blanket of fur and her hands go to her belly without thought. She freezes, pangs of anxiety going through her. It always happens this way when she first wakes up; she has a few moments where she doesn’t remember. Of course, it’s hard to forget for long, now.

She started to show—really show—around a fortnight ago. It happened fast, like she could fit into all of her clothes until she woke up one day and couldn’t. That was when they announced her pregnancy. 

Naturally, a large feast was held, one that neither she nor Cardan attended, opting to stay with each other in seclusion. It was a nice night.

Soon after she broke the news to Cardan, he got into the habit of pacing, which is still one of the strangest sights Jude has ever seen. It was short-lived, though, because it took him merely a week to fixate upon a new hobby that now takes up much of his free time.

To Jude’s absolute disbelief, Cardan began collecting plants. In the most non-magical, wholly mortal type of way. He disappeared once and came back hours later with an arm full of pots from the mortal world, as well as supplies Jude assumes are used to help them grow. She’s still stumped as to why he started it, but he has been faithful to them, shocking her and those closest to them. 

It was ridiculous to her at first, and reminded her of Aleena. Back when she and Vivi first moved in together, their home was suddenly decorated top to bottom with greenery and has been that way ever since. Jude never cared for stuff like that, and she assumed Cardan didn’t either. When he first started, she was sure the plants wouldn’t survive, either because they weren’t meant to grow in Faerie or because Cardan couldn’t possibly keep them alive without magic, but she was very wrong. They’re healthy and decorate their bedroom and the windows throughout their apartments. 

She still doesn’t know what happened to them over time, whether he enchanted them in some way or they just adapted, but they became magical, bit by bit, and now they’re lively little things with big tempers. Jude doesn’t question it, only keeps her distance so she doesn’t get poked or snapped at. When she finds Cardan pruning or re-potting them, a look of child-like concentration in his features, she marvels at how calm they are in his presence. The plants like him. She quietly leaves him to his tending whenever his schedule calls for it.

As endearing as his new pastime is, Jude wonders if it has gotten a bit out of hand. Now, as she slips out of bed, hand still on her stomach, and makes her way to the large, polished mirror across the room, she bumps into one of the newest additions to Cardan’s collection. It’s at the foot of their massive bed on top of a small, decorative chest. The plant almost tumbles to the ground, but Jude manages to catch it in time and sit it back upright. It’s a mystery, really, how she never sees him acquire any new ones, but they _ always _ appear in different spots. 

She really needs to convince Cardan to put them all in an extra room somewhere else in the palace. Or a greenhouse, maybe.

Distraction taken care of, she glances at her husband to make sure he’s still asleep before continuing to her destination.

Mirrors frighten Jude as of late. She’s never been particularly interested in her appearance, per se, but now she tends to avoid them altogether. Her face looks the same as always, save for the rosy flush in her cheeks that seems to accompany her everywhere. Her eyes are tired, but her skin is clear and glowing even in the dim light. 

It’s not her face that bothers her, but her body.

There’s no mistaking that she’s pregnant anymore. Her midriff doesn’t merely look like she’s put on weight. It’s obvious that she’s with child. The roundness of her belly turns all eyes to her form when she’s in public. It’s even more attention than she usually receives as Queen. Cardan’s face brightens every time she’s in his sights, and when they’re alone he can’t keep his hands away from her stomach. Jude tries very hard not to let any of this bother her, but she can’t help it. It’s not that she doesn’t feel some sort of strange excitement deep within her at the thought of carrying and someday meeting her child, but she’s mostly just overrun with terror.

Jude is afraid and she can’t _ fix it. _

The more time passes, the farther along she is, the more she can’t ignore what’s coming: she’s going to be a mother. And she’s scared. 

She remembers what it was like to have a mom, misses her terribly, but she feels like after all she’s had to change about herself and adapt to that she’s lost the part of her that would be capable of raising a child in a healthy manner. Day and night, she’s plagued with visions of holding her baby and feeling nothing but cruel numbness. Or her child coming to her with some trivial problem, and Jude losing her temper. Compartmentalizing too much; dealing with them in the detached way she does everything else; neglecting them; not being able to show them the affection they need. 

The list goes on. Jude’s anxiety grows. It always does in these private moments.

She loses track of the time she stands there, fingers caressing her stomach, but Cardan begins to stir at some point and she snaps out of her trance. 

She says nothing of her fears and plants a small smile on her face. It’s not disingenuous, but it isn’t _ not _ a mask, either.

*

She’s sitting on her throne when one of her personal guards approaches her. Cardan is late, probably off with his plants. Jude still doesn’t know what to make of that, but she’s grown used to his occasional disappearances at this point. She expects the message the guard gives her to be from him, not a request for an in-person and private meeting with her from Taryn. 

The first thing she does is sigh. She’s allowed that much. Taryn, though Jude didn’t know it back when everything happened, could be as conniving as Jude is. Not as bold as Jude, never that, but cunning in her own way. 

Jude almost tells the guard, Astor, to deny her. Instead, she agrees.

“The guest chambers in the Western hall, thirty minutes,” she commands quietly. Astor nods, disappearing into a hallway to her left. Jude folds her hands in her lap, trying to come up with what to say as to not start a fight or insult her sister. She barely sees her, now, and each time she does, Jude thinks that they look less and less alike. Or, maybe that’s just what she likes to tell herself.

Thirty minutes gives her enough time to make the decision to put on a more fanciful gown or dress down a bit. She does neither, opting to stay in her velvet dress the color of midnight blue. Gold beading is laid throughout it making it look like a shifting night sky from a distance. Jude likes this one. It pairs well with her crown.

She arrives at the last minute announced by the knights stationed at the door to the guest rooms. Jude strides in with her head held high. She always does. Taryn is already seated at the small, ornately carved table. A mountain of fruits and pastries stacked onto a three-tiered platter sits in front of her. She bows her head to Jude, not quite the standard that is to be expected for the High Queen, but both of them are under no illusions that Taryn cares much about showing respect to her. 

The fireplace flickers, casting a lively glow into the room. Lanterns hang from the ceiling. The moonlight spilling in from the windows seems to bend and follow Jude’s form as she makes her way over to the table. 

“Taryn,” Jude greets, voice neutral, and she sits. 

“Jude,” she says back. 

“How have you been? I haven’t seen you in some time.” Really, how long has it been since they’ve spoken like this? Two years? It seems like a lifetime. 

“Yes, well, you do seem busy.” Taryn smiles sweetly. Jude says nothing. 

_ Straight to thinly-veiled hostilities, then. _

It’s been like this for years. They could never make up after everything. Jude is horribly stubborn, but so is her sister. They are twins, after all. 

Silence fills the air. Jude refuses to fill it until Taryn does. She is not the one who summoned her sister here; she will wait. Eventually, Taryn’s carefully masked features soften slightly.

“How… is the pregnancy?” She asks. Jude’s defenses go up, she can’t help it. 

“It’s fine. All going smoothly.” 

More silence. 

“How far along are you?”

“Eighteen weeks,” Jude says. Taryn looks at her. Really, really looks at her. 

“I still have trouble believing it. I never thought you were one for children,” she says. 

“Neither did I.” 

Taryn lets out a hollow laugh. “It’s almost comical,” she says, sarcasm in her tone, “You never asked for any of this, yet you have it all.” She stares at Jude, jealousy rippling clearly across her face. “I wanted a place here in this world and I did what I had to do to get it. And I’ve always wanted children; a family, but no matter how much I plead, I can’t have it.”

Jude knows this. She knows Taryn wants children, but Locke doesn’t. Even if they fit together, Locke with his horrible schemes and Taryn with her love for watching them play out, they’re not very compatible in the ways that matter to Taryn. Eventually, she’ll get what she wants one way or another. Jude suspects it’ll be soon. 

“Yet you got it all without trying, without wanting. It just fell into your lap,” Taryn grits out. 

Jude is stunned. Taryn is never so plain with her; never so aggressive. 

In the most indifferent manner she can muster, Jude says, “I beg your pardon?” 

And Taryn lets loose. “I fought so _ hard _ to be where I am. I only ever wanted a place among the Court. I kept to myself, I never got in trouble, I found Locke, and you… You loved stirring it all, loved blowing it up in our faces, and you _ still _ ended up with everything, didn’t you? The most beautiful lover, a _ prince _ at that; the crown; the child.”

Jude takes it all in, and at first she’s furious. Taryn was always supposed to be the wiser of the two, and Jude is shocked at how twisted her point of view is from all of these years of tense silences and no communication. Back then, it was different. It was treachery and secrets, but that’s because it had to be, and Taryn had made her choice of which side of Jude’s she wanted to be on. Now, however… Jude is astounded as to how her sister came to that conclusion when she _ knew _ how much Jude wanted a place in the Court all those years ago, she _ knew _ Jude was lost and spiraling. 

“You know nothing of my life, do you?” Jude asks calmly. And really, she is calm somehow. All traces of her anger have vanished, leaving only cool disbelief and an inkling of pity. “Nothing of it from the moment they pushed us into the river with the nixies… Or was it the mock war and tournament?” 

“I know you were a spy for Prince Dain,” Taryn says, and there is a sweet distaste to her words. 

“That’s right, I was I spy.”

“And you seduced Cardan.”

Jude barks a hideous laugh. Taryn glares at her, cheeks flushing.

“If I seduced Cardan, it wasn’t on purpose. How was I supposed to know he _ liked _ me threatening him? It was all with honest intentions of defiance, not seduction.” 

Taryn looks puzzled and slightly scandalized. Perhaps it was the implications. Jude leans forward and says, “I didn’t seduce him. I never even liked him. We hated each other.”

“But the night of his crowning, you planned–”

“Yes, I did. I had a plan, one that I devised with my spy friends in our spy lair where I tied Cardan to a chair and pushed a knife against his throat.”

Taryn crosses her arms. This all seems like brand new information to her, and Jude is confused. She thought maybe that Madoc had told her more of Jude’s relationship with Cardan, or Locke knew some of the story, or… _ something. _

“You really don’t know?” Jude asks. Taryn doesn’t reply, she just looks lost, even a little nervous. Jude is struck with a sudden sadness. She does not feel regret, no, because Taryn did things that were entirely her own fault, not Jude’s. But it is a deep hurt for the forfeited time between them. 

There was a point where Taryn was her mirror, her best friend, her biggest confidant. The game of princes and crowns broke them apart. Jude can understand her sister’s motives back then. It’s much clearer now than it was. 

So Jude decides now. She decides to try despite everything, despite the years of silence and awkwardness and her sister kneeling at her feet at the occasional revel. Jude will give it a chance. Her will has always been strong, but seven years is a long time to hold a grudge. Jude has forgiven betrayal before. She can do it again.

So she takes a deep breath and starts with, “Cardan had… some sort of feelings for me. I didn’t know. My honest thoughts of him were that it’d be better if he were dead and gone from my life. He was the bane of my existence.” It seems so funny now. Her hand goes to her stomach. Taryn looks bewildered at the fact that she’s even speaking. 

_ Keep going, _ she tells herself. And she does.

Jude tells her sister of Prince Dain and his offer, his geas and the rules, her weeks of training and missions. She tells her of Valerian and his threats, his attempt at murdering her. 

“I think I knew that part,” Taryn interrupts her, shoulders slowly relaxing then tensing again as if realizing what her words meant. Jude lets it go, trying not to dwell on them.

She recounts her side of the massacre, the Greenbriars falling one at a time, how terrifying it was for her future. She tells her of finding Cardan under the tables, escaping together, and taking him to the Court of Shadows.

Jude acknowledges that she’s never told this to anyone. None of it, really, except some bits and pieces to Vivi. If anyone knew, they didn’t know it from her. It’s exhausting to be so open with someone, especially when trust is so scarce. 

She hesitates before the next part of her story, but trudges on.

“I knew I had to come up with something. I had the most valuable thing in Faerie right in my grasp. He just happened to be horrible. That was the night I found out how he… felt.” Jude looks up from the spot on the table she has been staring at and fixes her eyes on the wall behind Taryn. She remembers the moment vividly, especially the kiss. “I never seduced him. I was never his creature. I tricked him. I tricked him into becoming king,” she says. She isn’t guilty, but she isn’t proud of herself. 

“How?” Taryn asks. After a moment, Jude tells her. 

“I persuaded him into swearing himself into my service for a year and a day and lied that I would let him have a life free of the Court,” she says simply, gaze shifting to her sister.

“He never wanted the Blood Crown.” A look of soft understanding spreads on Taryn’s face.

“No, he did not.” Jude says. There’s a moment where she breathes deeply, pressing one of her hands into her belly over an ache. Taryn’s eyes follow the movement. “The night he was crowned was the night I became the Shadow Queen.”

“The role of seneschal was a ruse, then.”

“Partially,” Jude admits. “I still performed those duties occasionally.”

“Any other duties?” It’s harmless, not even quite teasing, but Jude reacts anyway.

“I told you I was not his creature,” she says snappishly. Taryn raises her eyebrows. Her poster stays straight and stiff, a sharp difference from Jude, who leans over the table, fingers drawing swirls into the surface.

“But the clothes… The way you both acted around each other.”

Jude huffs. “Cardan is dramatic. We were fools.”

The silence returns, but it isn’t uncomfortable; only weighty. Jude waits, hoping Taryn will offer her something else. 

“Then when did it happen?” Taryn sounds unsure of her question, but it’s the first time she’s spoken that reminds Jude of how they used to be. It’s curious and open. It sounds like it’s meant to be asked between sisters. Jude is not the High Queen in this moment. She hasn’t been since she started her tale.

“Us?” Jude asks. Taryn nods.

“Somewhere along the way,” Jude says, recalling the exact moment they snapped, pressing up against each other, breathing into each other’s mouths. Taryn watches her, a small smile on her lips. Jude hopes she isn’t projecting.

“Before or after the Undersea?” 

Jude succeeds in holding back a flinch at the mention of it, her mind flashing to what she did down there to survive. That, she won’t tell her sister. That is for her and Cardan. 

“Before,” Jude says, “But he asked me to marry him after.” 

“So that was true? I didn’t know if you returned and were married or did it privately before your… time away.”

“My exile, you mean. Yes, I was the Queen before. I wasn’t lying when I was embarrassed in front of the entire Court. It happened the night before, right after I murdered Balekin.” 

Taryn’s eyes are comically wide. Jude laughs.

“It sounds so dramatic when I put it like that.” 

And Taryn laughs too. “It’s dramatic put in any way.” 

They giggle together like they used to when they were younger. Jude’s heart feels light. Just for a moment their past is behind them both. When they stop, there is silence. Taryn stares while Jude continues her patterns on the table. 

“I missed you,” whispers Taryn. 

And it’s not as hard as Jude thought it would be to say, “I missed you too.”

It doesn’t fix everything; it doesn’t erase the last years and bad faith and hard feelings. But it’s a start. 

Jude finishes the rest of what she feels is necessary to be told now that she’s gotten this far. Taryn tells her bits of her own life and the moments she’s been happy, along with the moments she hasn’t. It isn’t fully comfortable, nor easy, but Jude is glad. And if she has a moment where she wonders what her sister’s motives are, Jude tries to think of other things and let herself enjoy her time. 

And she does. She really does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm one of the only people on this earth that enjoys when we get to read a character telling their own story. It almost never happens because we as readers don't need it. So I wrote it out here because I'm a little bitch fulfilling my own dreams.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She knows she should be thrilled. She is, deep below the surface. But her anxieties are almost overpowering now, and she can’t keep shoving them away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally a part of the last chapter, but then I added the whole Taryn scene and I decided to split it because the pacing of the chapters would have been thrown off. 
> 
> Warning: There is a depiction of a panic attack in this chapter. Proceed with caution!
> 
> I loved writing these scenes, I hope you enjoy them!

The sound of strings carries throughout the hall. Leaves sprout on the ceiling and fall, raining softly on the crowd. The Folk dance and writhe and drink before two thrones. The smell of faerie fruits and spiced wine curls in the air, enticing. 

The ball is a magnificent one, Jude can admit. She’s wearing a new gown just for the occasion, many layers soft lavender fabric with white smoke patterns, hugging her just so to accentuate her features but hide her stomach a bit. Even Jude thought she looked lovely in it; healthy and youthful. Her belly looks less shockingly round hidden beneath the waves spilling from beneath her breasts. Her shoulders are bare and her sleeves graze the floor. 

Cardan looks obscene in his pitch black silk clothes, shiny chains made of small gems swooping around his shoulders, white cape contrasting beautifully. His collar reaches up his throat like a shadow, his jawline and cheeks contoured with a smokey silver. The kohl around his eyes looks iridescent at some angles. 

After so many years, Jude thought she couldn’t blush at something as simple as his appearance, but she was very wrong. 

Indeed, all eyes were on them when they entered through heavy double doors earlier that night, sometime after the festivities had started. Jude had not been out publicly for weeks at that point, so when the whispers started up as the Court caught sight of her, she was ready for them. She was very obviously nearing her due date. Cardan, unfazed as always, prowls his way to their matching thrones atop the dais, Jude’s arm hooked gently in his.

This is where she finds herself, feet tucked beneath her, Cardan beside her, the ball in full swing around them. At some point he leaves her to speak with who she remembers to be a high ranking war master from far off. The crowd swirls around him, simultaneously avoiding him but inevitably drawn in as well. That’s exactly what it’s like to be near Cardan; he’s like gravity, unfathomable and too beautiful to touch. 

Jude touches, of course.

Looking at him now, he chuckles at something, a genuine smirk on his face as he sips his wine. Something changed over the years, perhaps it was simply the passing of time, but he’s become much more open and inviting during these public events. The aura of authority is there, and he still acts the same as he did years ago, but the difference is in his stance and the way he looks at who he’s talking to. His shoulders are relaxed and pulled back, he leans forward ever so slightly. 

It’s nice, Jude thinks. She likes seeing him work, watching him, because he is hers to study. 

She remembers when he first became High King, how he would lounge on his throne without a care, drowning in wine. She loved him then. She loves him more now. 

Jude shifts under the gazes of the Folk, becoming increasingly unsettled. She knows she looks big, but up on her throne in front of so many people and with Cardan somewhere in the crowd, she feels like a mouse in a sea of wild, hungry cats. Sweat gathers on her brow. She places a hand on her midriff. 

It’s mere seconds later that she feels a dull twitch beneath her ribs, causing her to gasp lightly. Her pulse quickens, heart fluttering as she moves her hand to press down on the spot. Nothing meets her touch, for a moment, then it feels as if her entire stomach tumbles briefly. Her gasp is much louder this time, both hands cradling her belly.

She startles at the sight of Cardan kneeling before her. She could have sworn he was just–

“Are you alright?” His voice is rushed and quiet, one hand covering hers where is lies on her middle. Jude sees there are many stares pointed at them, and realizes she must have caused a small commotion. 

“I’m fine,” she says, and makes to stand, swinging her tingly legs out from beneath her. Cardan tenderly takes her hands to help her up. “It’s okay, just movements.” 

His eyes brighten at this, a small, private grin on his face when he looks at her belly. 

“I’m going to retire for the night,” she continues, glancing from the crowd and back to her husband, anxiety coming up her chest and into her throat. She tries to swallow it down and put on a neutral face. Cardan looks as if he is about to say he’ll accompany her, but she shuts him down before he starts. “Don’t worry about it. You stay here. I’m going to take a bath.”

His squeezes her hands just so, the gesture barely there but warming her heart just the same, then he flicks his wrist in the air and a group of his personal guards appear behind him. She loves it when he does that, it never works so smoothly for her. 

He presses a kiss to her cheek, one that has her eyes fluttering closed, and he murmurs, “I’ll come find you when the night is over.” Jude nods, a smile tugging at her lips despite the nerves, and she makes her way off the dais, a crowd of armed guards surrounding her and parting the swarm of bodies.

She keeps her composure until she’s alone, the doors to their chambers sliding shut behind her. She rips her crown off and sets it on her desk in the main room, and begins shedding the pieces of her attire. She reaches for a knot of fabric on her side, but it’s in a weird spot she can’t reach across her stomach, and she needs both hands to undo it so that her gown can loosen where it’s cinched at her ribs and can fall right off. She huffs, tearing out her earrings instead and ripping the braids out of her hair. Again, in her and Cardan’s bedroom this time, she tries for the knot, but it won’t budge without any help, and suddenly she’s so worked up and frustrated that she feels tears forming. 

_ Stupid. Crying like a child. _

She decides to lift the dress off of her instead, but the damned thing is too heavy, and her stomach keeps getting in the way and her skin is pulling and she feels too large to even breathe. 

The first sob comes quickly. Jude drops the fabric, face crumpling. Then she’s sitting on the end of her bed, her dress swamping her form and piling around her. It just makes her feel worse. She cries so easily now and it’s infuriating, she hates it so much that it only makes her tears come faster. She doesn’t have the control that she desperately needs, everything is spiraling, she’s going to have this baby soon and she’s _ so afraid _ she won’t be good enough.

_ I can’t do this. I can’t do this. _

Her breath comes in short bursts. She’s lived most of her life dealing with things like they’re a job or a plan, but this… This is something she doesn’t know what to do with. Putting off the thought of it being real worked for the first few months, but now the day is getting closer and closer, and she’s going to be a mother.

_ I can’t do this. I can’t be what they need me to be. _

Another sob breaks free, and she buries her face in her hands, willing herself to calm down.

She thinks of her mother’s voice, and tries all the breathing exercises she knows of. After a long moment, she shuts her mind off enough that they work. 

She’s still sniffling when she feels another flutter in her belly. By this point, she’s so tired she could fall asleep where she sits, so she doesn’t mind the feeling. The whiplash of her emotional state is jarring, but she doesn’t want to think about it, or anything, at the moment, so she unclasps a heavily jeweled necklace from her throat, kicks off her leather slippers, and lies down on her side right where she is at the edge of the bed. She falls asleep as soon as she gathers the fabric of her gown in her arms and squeezes, tension sliding out of her body and sleep taking over.

When Cardan finds her like that a bit later, his eyes soften. Jude barely wakes up as he unties the knot at her side and gently maneuvers her around, slipping her arms from her sleeves and working the heavy gown off her body leisurely. She doesn’t stir when he lifts her farther up the bed and covers her with the fur blankets she likes. And when he kisses her forehead, his palm splayed on her side, fingers dancing over the soft skin where her stomach meets her ribs, she sleeps through it all. 

*

Twinkling water rushes over smooth stones, the sight lulling Jude into a trance. She sits on a stone pew by a small pond with multiple swirling pools, the smell of wet grass filling her senses. It’s high noon, but the sun seems soft behind the clouds. Many Folk are asleep, but Jude is too nervous to attempt to settle her mind.

The midwives came to see her before the moon set. They say she has six weeks left. As soon as they were out of sight, Jude left her chambers and Cardan behind and escaped to her private garden. 

She knows she should be thrilled. She is, deep below the surface. But her anxieties are almost overpowering, now, and she can’t keep shoving them away. There’s no time left, the days are ticking by quickly. She’s run out of things to distract herself with. All there is is her swollen belly and her headaches that never leave. Her thighs tingle and she can’t even put on her own shoes. If not for the team of human girls—willing, of course, and happy to help—that help her dress throughout the day and for different events, she would be barefoot constantly. 

Jude never developed much of a liking for idle chatting, but she participates even less than she ever has, too caught up in her thoughts and the fatigue that follows her every step. She gets dizzy when she stands, now. It all makes her feel weak, and she hates it. It’s not entirely bad, though. The few moments she’s able to push her nerves away, she truly is excited to meet the child she has been carrying. There have been times that she’s almost gone to the mortal world to set up an appointment and figure out the sex of the baby.

She never does. She likes it this way. And, maybe, she thinks it would become too real if she knew. Denial has been her closest companion these last months.

Cardan is visibly ecstatic. Jude never thought she would see him this way. Her heart does flips when he kneels next to her before bed, splaying his hands across where their baby sits. He presses kisses to her temples and cheeks at random, fingers gliding along her neck. When she bathes, he sits behind her, nose pressed into her neck, thumbs digging into the aches she has in her lower back. 

He’s doting on her like never before, and truthfully, Jude would find it annoying if he wasn’t so unbearably charming. 

Though it’s unconventional for a High King of Elfhame to share his apartments with his newborn child, they’ve both turned one of their rooms into a nursery. Besides, Cardan and Jude aren’t like normal rulers, anyway. Obviously. 

Cardan seems overjoyed about it, and even takes a few of his smaller, gentler plants from his greenhouse—because, yes, he did move those disastrous things eventually—and places them along the large window in the room. Faintly sweet-smelling flowers sway from vines on the ceiling, and the walls are enchanted to seem soft and bright. The atmosphere is warm, like a blanket. Jude’s heart aches when she enters it, so she stays away more often than not.

She spends a lot more of her time in her garden the closer it gets to the due date. 

Cardan leaves her alone there most of the time. That’s why she’s here now, he had seen the panic written across her features when talking to the midwives and she knew he would ask about it. He’s tried to get her to open up lately, but she brushes him off, not wanting to ruin his joy.

It only makes her feel more alone. The dynamic is strange. All of Elfhame seems excited for the birth of their child, mostly because that means lots of festivities, but Jude doesn’t know how to handle what her life is about to become.

Butterflies erupt in her stomach, nerves panging beneath her skin, and Jude wants to cry thinking about Cardan’s face when she stormed out of their room—as stormy as she could manage with a waddle in her step—before dawn. She’s nearing her breaking point. It’s not that she’s unraveling, anymore, like a complicated knot being pulled at. No, she’s completely loose. 

She pushes herself up from the stone bench, back cracking, feet hurting. 

_ Why couldn’t I have an easy fucking pregnancy? Or _is_ this an easy pregnancy? _

She huffs and walks back into the palace, personal knights flanking her movements. Jude wants someone, _ anyone, _ to understand what’s going on in her head. 

When she comes upon her chambers, she waves her attendants off when they try to open the doors for her, not once, but twice. She needs to do _ something _ by herself. Pushing the doors open does strain her, but she feels better when she steps in and they close behind her. 

She makes her way into her bedroom, expecting to sleep the rest of the daylight away, but when she enters, Cardan is sitting upright at the edge of the bed. The sheets are strewn haphazardly around, his tail is swaying in the air, gold cuffs and jewelry dangling from it. If she listened closely enough, she knows she would be able to hear the small tinkling sounds coming from the metal. Her heartbeat quickens. He’s staring at her, hands clasped in his lap, the Blood Crown lying beside him. 

“I’ve grown tired of listening to you lie to me, Jude dearest,” he says, exhaustion in his voice and no malice to his words. Jude swallows thickly. “Will you be candid with me? Please?”

She frowns. She doesn’t want to do this. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she says, holding his gaze. The sigh he gives is dramatic. 

“We will discuss this, I won’t leave you alone with whatever is tormenting you any longer.”

Jude flinches, though she tries not to. 

“You see?” He says, gesturing to her, “It’s in everything you do. I’ve been going mad trying to give you space, waiting for _ you _ to come to _ me.” _He stands, now, hand wiping across his forehead. “I can’t keep going like this, I want to help.” 

And, really, with how fragile she feels, Jude’s not surprised that her resolve crumbles _ immediately _ when she sees for the first time how this has been affecting him too. 

Silence hangs between them for some time, the sound of their breathing fills the air. 

“I’m scared,” she says.

He just looks at her, worry in his eyes.

“I know.”

Something flares in Jude’s chest, emotion choking her. She feels like she wants to scream, like she wants to burst out of her own skin, and it’s so sudden that her carefully placed mask falls from her features, desperation and anxiety showing through. Cardan takes a step toward her, but she backs up two. 

“Jude,” he breathes, and it’s soft, laced with pain, like a question.

“No,” she says, voice watery. “I’m not just scared, I’m _ terrified.” _ She stares into him, _ willing _ him to understand all that she means in that one word. When she sees that he doesn’t, the words that follow build up on her tongue like her muddled thoughts have since the day she first took those tests in the mortal world. 

“I don’t know what to do, or what to say. I’m– I’m– I can’t do this! I _ can’t. _ I don’t even know how to handle myself, or even what to do when _ we _ argue. How am I supposed to handle another living thing, with a mind and a heart and–” she sucks in a breath, tears forming.

“You have me,” he says, brows furrowed. “We’ll do it together.”

“But I never knew how to love,” Jude says, voice frantic, “After Madoc took us—stole us away, I just… Shut it all out. I never wanted children because I know I’m not capable, I didn’t even know I could, I could–” and she can’t breathe.

She can’t _ breathe _.

And she can hear her heart pounding in her ears. She turns away from Cardan only to catch her reflection in the mirror on the wall near her and all she sees is her stomach and she needs to sit down immediately or she knows she’ll fall over. 

“I– I can’t–” and she sobs, collapsing to her knees, hand grasping at the small writing desk beside her, sitting back on her feet. Cardan is on the ground before her in the time it takes her to blink. He’s right there, hands cradling her face, thumbs stroking in soothing motions. He looks panicked, and Jude feels all the worse for it. He’s saying something to her, but Jude can’t understand what. She just cries and cries. 

In time, Cardan gives up on calming her down. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her into his lap, holding her tightly and gently rocking back and forth. When one of his hands wraps around the back of her neck, she fists her hands in his loose shirt, trying to bury herself within his embrace. 

It’s ages before she settles, first by regaining control of her breathing, then by ceasing her sobs. Silent tears flow, breath hitching in her chest like a stutter. Eventually, she only sniffles, exhaustion pulling at her eyelids.

And for some time, all is still, a hush over the room. Jude doesn’t even realize that she’s falling asleep. 

When she opens her eyes, she blinks blearily, and it takes her a minute to adjust.The sun has set outside of the windows. Moonbeams caress the stone floors, bright enough that even she can see clearly. Her head is cradled beneath Cardan’s chin. They’re against the arched doorway to their bedroom, Cardan leaning against the frame. Her heart aches when she realizes he’s probably been sitting like this for hours and he hasn’t moved so as to not disturb her. 

His tail is curled underneath her belly. Jude’s hair is out of it’s updo. She can feel Cardan’s fingers tracing the shape of her ear. The rise and fall of his chest almost soothes her back to sleep.

“Do you not know that I doubt myself as much as you?” His voice is not angry, nor accusing, just resigned. “Have you not considered?”

Truthfully, Jude hasn’t. Shame twists in her gut. Cardan continues.

“I knew nothing of love as a child. Only loneliness. Desperation–” Cardan takes a long breath. Jude hears his heartbeat beneath her ear, tracks of tears dry on her face. “Despair of the deepest incarnation. The type of sorrow that one would hide behind rancid grins and hollow laughs. That is all I knew,” he says, a shakiness to his voice. He pushes his nose into her hair and tightens his arms around her.

“Now, each time I wake up, I am haunted by the thought that I will become my father, or Balekin, to our child.”

Jude feels more tears fall at his words. An ache spreads through her chest. She grieves for him, for herself, too, for how life was cruel to both of them.

“We will do this together,” he murmurs, quiet, but every bit determined. “We can do it. You can. I’ll be with you, always. I’ll be there for our child, always.” 

And Jude relaxes into him.

He slips his arms underneath her and lifts her as he stands, walking them over to the bed. There, they fall asleep, wrapped around each other, limbs tangled, breathing in tandem.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looks so eager as he kneels before her, like she’s an altar and he’s preparing to worship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes hello hi I'm back! I've been really busy with some acting stuff and regular art school crap, but I added another chapter to the count HAHAHA. 
> 
> It gets explicit here. Read the end notes for more details if this makes you uncomfortable. 
> 
> If you'd like to skip the sex but not miss the tiny scene at the beginning, just stop reading at, "They stand there for some time, barely swaying..." 
> 
> Carry on!

The next week, Jude receives a message from one of her guards that Madoc is requesting to see her. In person. In the Tower of Forgetting. 

She debates it the entire day. Cardan says he can accompany her, but in the end, she’s alone in a carriage with two of her most trusted knights. His calm facade is transparent to her when she leaves. She knows he's concerned. So is she. 

Jude knows why Madoc wants an audience with her. He’s had to have heard by now, somehow, has probably known since the beginning when it was announced. It fits his ego that he would only summon her when she is nearing her final month of pregnancy. 

They arrive promptly, the journey feeling like nothing at all, as if time had skipped just to screw with her. One of the knights, Mivian, a tall, thickly built fey with glittery green eyes and one of her closest friends, takes her hand to help her out of the carriage. Jude wears a billowy, plain, yet luxurious dress with a short train that cinches above her stomach and ties together in the front. The sleeves stop just beneath her elbows. It’s the color of red wine, and her most comfortable formal attire. Her crown sits daintily atop her brow, her hair falls in waves down her back. 

When she looks up at the tower before her, she tries to remember the last time she was here. Two years ago, maybe three. She avoids visiting often. It reminds her of nightmares.

More royal guards line the entrance and stairway, each and every one she knows by name and trusts. She passes cells as she ascends the stairs, bars separating her from the creatures they hold inside. Jude gives no mind to the whispers that carry after her, trying to put herself together and prepare herself for what's about to come. It doesn't help much at all; she's scatter-brained and restless, thoughts like elusive cats that refuse to be herded. The only thing she _can_ manage is steeling her features into her perfected mask of a queen. Her shoulders roll back, chin held high.

Madoc’s low chuckle reaches her before she steps in front of him. It's chilling to hear after so long.

“Daughter,” he says, malicious and hollow. “You came.” 

Jude says nothing, hoping she comes across as unbothered as possible, and just stares at him. He looks older, somehow. His skin sags around his mouth, hair grown out. He looks pitiful, the shell of the general he once was. 

_ He deserves this, _ Jude reminds herself.

Madoc’s eyes rake her form, unforgiving, lingering on her belly. “Years ago, when you were small, I would think about how alike you were to your mother. You always had her fire. Wild and untamed._ Now _ look at you,” he grits out, meeting her gaze. He looks as if he wants to carve her heart out. He probably does. “You look just like she did when she ran.” 

Jude’s stomach drops, but she keeps her face neutral. He openly scowls at her. 

Madoc says nothing more to her. They hold each other’s eyes for long enough that Jude loses track of the minutes. Separated by bars and years of spite, a battle rages silently between them. In the end, Jude never says a thing. She feels like if she speaks, he will know just how his few words have unsettled her. She rests a hand on her belly, trying with all her might not to project what she’s thinking.

_ I hate what you did, but no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to hate you. _

She steps away from him and feels herself truly breathe since the guard first told her of his request. 

When she leaves, it feels like letting go.

*

As she waddles back through the palace, Folk skirting out of her and the swarm of guards' way, she’s still bothered. The feeling lingers even when she’s back in her chambers, loosening the strings of her gown after sending her attendants away. She pulls on a thin, flowing dress that she wraps around herself, one side tucking into the other, and she begins to pace—to the best of her ability—with her hands pressed to her lower back. Lately, she’s had nothing much else to do _ but _ pace. 

Jude barely sits next to Cardan while he’s on his throne, anymore, finding herself too uncomfortable in her own. She attends certain meetings, but mostly, if she needs to hear something, someone will visit her in the parlor of their apartments and inform her right then. Thus, she’s usually in the her and Cardan’s private library, or in her garden, or in bed. It’s starting to annoy her, not having much of anything to do, being banned from certain activities by the midwives. Having the sense of being helpless and restless at the same time is not on Jude’s list of acceptable feelings. 

She begins to feel dirty thinking back over her visit with Madoc, so she goes to one of the bowls in their room filled with fresh, warm water. It has sweet-smelling flower petals floating on the surface, and she dips a cloth in to wash herself after slipping her dress off. When she wipes the fabric over her stomach, she makes sure to take extra care, smoothing it over with swooping motions. She hums a random tune to her baby without thinking, and feels a flutter near her ribs. Jude smiles. She imagines It’s like her baby is telling her to keep going. For a minute, the thought helps calm her spiking emotions.

Cardan finds her soon after, dress back on, pacing once more. He looks as alarmingly pretty as always, and for a reason she can’t hope to fathom, it annoys her the moment she sees him. _Pregnancy hormones,_ Vivi would say. Jude can clearly hear what tone she would use.

He’s wearing red, much like she was earlier, and gold hangs from his ears. As she looks him over, she sees there’s nothing especially extravagant about the clothes, it’s just... _him_ that has her heart racing in her chest. Still, it’s annoying. 

Cardan only glances knowingly at her before walking to a tall vanity set against a wall and begins removing various pieces of jewelry. And, with his back turned, he asks, "Are you alright? What did Madoc want?" Jude _knows_ he's approaching it gently, purposefully giving her a wide space, completely nonthreatening, but she wants to scowl anyway. 

"I'm fine, he just wanted to _taunt_ me. I was prepared." She wasn't, really. 

Jude catches his eyes in the vanity mirror for a moment before he looks away. She continues to pace.

"I thought as much," he says cautiously. 

“You _have_ look perfect every single _second,_ don’t you?” Jude blurts. She's momentarily embarrassed before she remembers how annoyed she is. Cardan pauses in the middle of removing a fine gold chain from around his neck, turning to face her, small traces of amusement in his eyes. 

“Was that supposed to be a compliment?” He tries smirking, taking the necklace off, then his many rings, placing them at the table in front of him.

“No,” she says curtly, still pacing. Cardan looks perplexed, then understanding crosses his features. He approaches her slowly. 

"Are you truly alright?” He stands before her, watching her strut back and forth. 

“I’m _fine,”_ she says. Then, with some effort, “I’m just... anxious.” 

His hand closes gently around her elbow the next time she crosses in front of him. 

“We have discussed this,” he says, thumb brushing over the crook of her arm. “We will be together through it all.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Jude snaps halfheartedly. There’s no real bite behind it. Cardan raises a brow, gaze searching her face. Her pulse thrums where he touches her. She runs one hand over her belly absentmindedly. “I know… I know we’ll get through… this, and we’ll do it with each other.”

For a second, she almost laughs as she thinks of how ridiculous this would all seem to her teenage self, before the great game of kings and princes, of queens and crowns even began for her. Jude cannot imagine what her younger self’s reaction would be if she found about what her life would be when she got to be twenty-five-years-old. 

“But that doesn’t erase the doubt I have about myself,” she continues. Cardan sighs. Jude glares at him, but lets the look fall almost immediately after. Before she can swallow it down, she forces herself to say, “I have never felt more vulnerable in my entire life. Madoc said so little to me earlier, yet managed to make me feel small from _ inside a cell, _ and I just…” She gestures to the air in front of her.

Cardan folds her into his arms and Jude lets him do it, not even trying to pretend that it doesn’t instantly affect her, limbs shivering at his touch. She places her hands on his chest and rests her cheek above them. He murmurs to her, hands stroking against her spine and shoulders. Though she’s not paying much attention to his words, what he’s doing is just what she needs. 

Jude realizes that she really only wants to be held. She doesn’t need his perspective on the matter, or his anger at Madoc, or anything of the sort. She just needs him to hold her, because there’s nothing he or anyone else can say. It’s a comfort to her simply that he knows. They stand there for some time, barely swaying. 

“Jude,” he says, pulling away to look at her. “When was the last time you felt relaxed?”

She snorts and doesn’t answer, closing her eyes instead. The press of his lips against the corner of her mouth causes here to jolt. She couldn’t sense it coming. He places small, feather-like kisses against her cheek, then her nose. Jude feels a blush spread across her face. Cardan smells like the forest on a fresh day, like soft spice and the first breeze of Spring. If she let it, being this close to him could make her dizzy. Usually, she does not allow that. Usually.

Cardan steps around her, then, and Jude would deny instinctively leaning after him if she were younger. His chest presses against her back, solid and present. 

“Let me take care of you,” he murmurs, fingers dancing lightly over her arms. He places more kisses against the crook of her neck, then against her jaw. Jude tilts her head to the side, baring her throat for him. Every part of her _sings_ yes to him, but Jude can’t help but glance down at herself, belly blocking her view of the floor. She frowns, and Cardan follows her line of sight closely.

“Do you know what I see?” he says, nose brushing her temple. “Each time you enter a room, every eye is drawn to you. All of Elfhame succumbs to lust at the mere sight of you.” He smiles against her skin, fingers nudging at her chin, guiding her face towards his. A flush takes over her at his words.

_ That can’t be true. _

“I want to ravish you, Jude. You’re so beautiful that I ache, and I am not the only one that feels so. But you are mine. This—" he splays his hand on her stomach, “I did this.” 

Jude’s heartbeat pounds so loud in her ears that Cardan must be able to hear it too. Part of her is self-conscious at his words, but another, deeper part _ preens. _ She can’t meet his eyes anymore, so she looks over his shoulder at the wall instead, feeling the tips of his fingers at her throat when she swallows.

“You carry my child,” he says, voice low, releasing his hold on her and leaning in to her neck again from behind. “The thought fogs my mind every moment.” He nips at her shoulder, places a hand on her hip, and Jude’s thoughts turn to puddles.

“I can’t think of anything else _but_ you. Your skin—” he presses his lips to her cheek. “Your hair—” he begins unraveling strands from the braid she has it in, and she just _ has _ to look at him, nerves forgotten. “The flush of your cheeks when I—”

Jude turns around, then, and sees him smiling in a way she can only describe as… goofy. Childish. It’s entirely endearing and arousing at the same time and she struggles against the laughter bubbling up in her throat. Part of her wants to smack him on the arm like a teenager. It’s so rare that he acts this way, and Jude is so, _so_ gone, like putty in his hands. 

“I’m afraid I might be losing my sanity,” Cardan laughs, eyes bright. “I want to—” he runs his fingers along the junction of her thigh, his other hand cradling her face. Jude trembles. Her skin has never felt this sensitive before, and he’s mostly touching her through _ clothes. _ “Let me take care of you, Jude,” and he kisses her, hot and open. It sears through Jude like sweet acid, burning her throat, coaxing a sound from her that she barely manages to choke back. He pulls away too soon.

“Please, I want to make you feel good,” he sighs into her mouth, and Jude’s doesn’t even feel herself nodding her head.

Then she’s saying, “Okay, yes, _yes—”_

Cardan’s hands grip her arms while her fingers fist in his crimson shirt and he’s walking her backwards. She would normally be afraid of falling with all of the extra weight of her stomach throwing her off, but she knows she doesn’t have to worry when he’s so near. He’ll catch her if she falls. He always will.

His hands unwrap her loose dress from her body and she shivers from exposure to the cool air. The intent set deep in his eyes is overpowering; she can't look away, torn between wanting to kiss him again and wanting to be lost under his stare forever. The backs of her legs touch the side of their bed and he lifts her onto it, the thing too tediously tall for her to hop onto with the position she’s in. She sits at the edge, wondering for a moment what’s going to happen, then he’s reaching for the pillows at the head of the mattress, snatching a plush one and sliding it behind her at her lower back.

“Lean back on your hands,” he says, sounding breathless, eyes not leaving her body. She does as she’s told, finding the normal pressure she would feel in her back lightened immensely thanks to the pillow. Then his hands are on her, spreading over her chest, on her waist, caressing her thighs, and he sinks to his knees in front of her, sitting back on his heels. He’s slack-jawed, eyes hooded as he presses a kiss to her knees.

Cardan is turned on by this, she realizes. The thought makes her want to scream. He looks so eager as he kneels before her, like she’s an altar and he’s preparing to worship. Another open-mouthed kiss is pressed to her leg, his tongue gliding over the sensitive area at the crook of her knee, and he _ bites, _ the shock of it sparking through her. 

Again, she has to hold back a moan. The sensitivity of her body is like nothing she’s ever experienced, every touch she feels like strikes of lightning. 

When Cardan slings her legs over his shoulders, her arms begin to shake from anticipation. He presses more kisses to her inner thighs, scooting himself forward, and Jude lets her head fall back, waiting, waiting, wanting. She feels him suck a bruise into her skin, then another, and another. He switches to the other side before Jude can process it, and she gasps.

The room feels dense, a cloud swirls in Jude’s mind, blocking out anything but the sensation of what he’s doing. A well-placed nip over her bruised skin has Jude jolting, breath coming out heavier and quicker. She throbs when she feels him hover over her, and he’s so close to where she wants, _so close, so close—_

Then his mouth is back at her thighs and Jude sighs shakily. It most definitely does not sound like a whine. 

A sheen of sweat covers her and she subconsciously tries spreading her legs, but Cardan’s hands wrapped on the outside of her thighs keep them in place. His palms slide underneath, and her legs shift wider just barely, then his thumbs knead into the soft flesh near her center and Jude bites her lip so hard she almost breaks the skin. His tongue presses into the marks he leaves, and everything feels so good that for a moment Jude thinks she’s going to fall apart just from this, without him needing to touch her where she needs him to most.

Her hips twitch forward, trying to catch his mouth, and he sinks his teeth into the junction of her thigh in response. 

Jude can’t hold her moan back, now. She feels so incredible. Somehow, her back doesn’t hurt, and the swell of her stomach makes her feel sensual. The way Cardan is being so attentive makes her feel precious and wanted, if only he would just—

His hands shift in more, thumbs spreading her folds, and he licks one long stripe up her middle. Jude feels it in her entire body. Her thighs tremble, one sliding off of him before he catches it, and she locks her ankles together, leaning further back onto her arms, stretching her torso. She’s so, so close already, right on the edge, toes curling where her feet hang behind his back.

He places his mouth against her in an open kiss, tongue rolling over her clit, and has tears springing to her eyes. Pleasure scorches through her, and he does it again, kissing her and sucking lightly when he pulls back. His mouth feels so warm and wet and she can feel his hair grazing the soft, tingling bruises of her inner thighs. Then his thumb presses at her entrance, adding just the right pressure as his mouth moves over her again and that’s all it takes for her thighs to squeeze around him, muscles tightening, face screwing up, a stream of curses leaving her mouth.

Cardan groans against her, working her through it. 

She comes back to herself slowly, fingers unclenching from the coverlets, legs falling from her husband’s shoulders. She feels Cardan rest his cheek against the top of her thigh, and when she opens her eyes, his gaze pierces hers, mischief twinkling in his midnight eyes. One hand brushes against the swell of her hip, the other grazes over her dripping, sensitive middle, causing her to jerk.

Jude sits up straight, flexing her wrists, hands going to Cardan’s hair and yanking his head up to hers. Even as he stumbles to his feet, he still manages an ethereal grace. His mouth crashes to hers, wild and hot. She can taste herself on his lips and it sends a thrill through her. Jude slides her tongue against Cardan’s eagerly, gasping when he tilts his head and leans her back just so, exactly the way she likes. 

They break apart, foreheads resting together. Jude makes to pull away, but Cardan moves with her, his lips attaching to her jaw and moving down her neck. It steals whatever air she had left in her lungs from her. He slides a knee onto the bed with her, the mattress dipping underneath him. His arm wraps around her back, hand sliding into her hair at the nape of her neck, and with the other, he pulls her sideways, up and into his lap. 

Jude still can’t catch her breath from just a minute ago. Cardan pants over her skin, his nose brushes against hers, fingers sliding over her waist. 

“I love you,” he says, that and nothing more, and it strikes Jude fiercely. Years spent together and he still doesn’t say it often. He spells it for her through actions, sings it to her with his eyes, but he knows she secretly craves to hear the words. They’re saved for moments like this. 

Jude relaxes into the hold he has across her back, keeping her propped up. She traces the point of his ear and fiddles with the jewelry there until he kisses her again. She feels a bit like a child with the way she’s in his lap, legs on the other side of him, but the thought leaves her quickly when his fingers dip between her legs.

When he runs them over her clit, she shakes against him, mouth hovering over his, much too sensitive from her orgasm, but pleasure spreads through her nonetheless. Cardan watches her face closely as he moves a bit lower, pressing just right, two long fingers slipping into her. Jude shudders, eyes slipping shut because it feels so damn perfect. 

Her legs shift open of their own accord, making room for him, and she reaches to twist her hand in the shirt at his chest. 

Cardan kisses her again, sweet and slow, and he curves his fingers inside of her, wrenching a gasp from her. Jude accidentally bites his lip. 

He just kisses her harder, and it’s like the sun dripping onto her mouth, heating her from the outside in. His fingers start a push and pull within her, curling and slipping in and out, and it’s heaven to Jude. She's so wet from earlier and her walls feel so good clenching around him. Her hips shift over his lap, grinding onto his hand, and it’s his turn to gasp, now. The line of his cock is hard and hot beneath her. 

Sweat drips along the indent of her spine as he slowly takes her apart, massaging into the spot that feels so right inside her, coaxing a warm, overwhelming tension into her belly. When his thumb presses against her clit, Jude’s sanity goes out the window. She writhes in his arms, hand sliding from his chest, around her stomach, to grip his wrist beneath her, trying to anchor herself.

“Look at me,” Cardan says. And she does, finding his face flushed just like it is after too many glasses of wine, his eyes like pools of ink she wants to bathe in forever. Jude can feel the muscles of his forearm flexing as he moves, and she struggles to keep her eyes open. Heat coils in her, building and building, and she loses herself in the rhythm he sets. 

Cardan lets out a shaky breath when she squeezes his wrist, pulling his hand harder towards her. He gets the message, pumping his fingers faster, thumb circling tighter, and Jude’s back arches, thighs clamping around his arm. Her sensitive bruises twinge in pain at the pressure, but she can’t help it. It only makes it all more intense. 

Jude feels her second orgasm rise in her, cracking like a whip, and she shatters with it, moaning brokenly, vision blurring as she tries to hold Cardan’s gaze, inevitably failing. 

It’s one of the fiercest things she’s ever felt, her whole body tightening. She doesn’t feel Cardan stop or hear him say anything, but the next thing she knows she’s lying on her usual side of their bed, Cardan’s weight pressed behind her.

A pillow is tucked in her arms and between her legs. Something soft brushes her outer thigh and she registers that it’s his tail. He must have changed clothes. She doesn’t remember him moving her, but she doesn’t really care, too exhausted to think much about it.

His knuckles drag over her waist and on her belly, and, to Jude’s delight, Cardan is humming in her ear, deep and pretty. A sleepy grin splits her face. She’s so comfortable like this; positively content. 

“I love you,” she whispers. “So much that it hurts.” 

He buries his face into her hair, and continues to hum. She can hear the smile in his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Explicit oral sex and fingering in this chapter. Jude is pregnant, and it's important to note that many doctors recommend abstaining from sexual intercourse and things that pertain to it during the third trimester of pregnancy. Sex at that point can be dangerous and (for many reasons that I'm not going to go in to) can induce labor or other issues. This is not always the case, and some doctors might give the pregnant person the OK to engage in sex, but it's all down to the individual. However, I've chosen to ignore all of this because it's fictional.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then the sun breaks over the land, warmth overflowing with it, and Jude gasps. It’s one of the most breathtaking things she’s ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are no warnings for this one.

Three weeks until the baby is supposed to arrive, Cardan spends an entire day not-so-subtly suggesting that Jude visit his greenhouse. It surprises her when she realizes that she’s never been, because It’s something that’s become so important to him over the months. Though Jude’s felt incredibly bored as time passes and she gets farther along, able to do less and less of what she used to, she hasn’t given a thought to visiting in her increasing amount of free time.

She supposes she’s placed it into a box, like she does with most things; she filed it away. Cardan’s greenhouse seemed off-limits, like a sacred place she wouldn’t dare step foot into so as not to disturb anything. Also, the plants are annoying and mean and very, very strange, apparently. 

“One of my most recent flowers sprouted almonds,” Cardan says out of nowhere, leaning in to her ear as they sit next to each other during a gathering of their Council. Nothing important is being said at the moment, or at all, really. Jude decides to play along.

“The way those horrible things grow, I can’t say I’m surprised.”

Cardan leans back, affronted. “They’re not horrible. They’re unique.” The pride in his voice causes Jude to snort, which earns her a few stares. They settle after that, like children in a classroom. Jude suppresses a smile for the rest of the meeting.

*

“I’m raising a _Venus__ flytrap _ that developed the ability to laugh,” he says as Jude does her stretches around midnight, sheets of paper strewn before them. The emphasis he puts on the name of the plant makes her lips twitch up. 

“Really?” she asks, voice indifferent. Her mind is foggy from hours of negotiations with the Court of Moths. They’re currently looking over written agreements for… something. Jude hasn’t been paying all that much attention. It’s harder to, lately. Her mind is understandably elsewhere. 

“Indeed, I think it sounds rather like yours,” he drawls.

Jude glares at him, trying to imagine it. A plant with her laugh? Is he making fun of her? Cardan’s gaze stays on the papers. His tail is out, curling near his leg. It’s like that most days now. 

“What _ do _ you do to them?” 

He ignores her. “I find it amusing when I hear it,” he says. Jude huffs. He doesn’t seem to want to say anything else, his silence speaking for him. They get back to work.

*

She’s reading in a newly cushioned nook in the corner of their bedroom, candles placed along shelves near her. It’s near moonset when Cardan whispers, “They’ve grown so beautifully.” 

It takes Jude a moment to catch on to what he’s saying. She looks up from her book when she does, taking in his appearance. He’s dressed in a loose, cream-colored, silk shirt. It cuts low enough to expose his sternum. His plain trousers match with a long, thin coat that she sees him wear often when he wanders off to tend to his plants. “Have they? They used to annoy me. They were obnoxious.”

Cardan’s brows furrow, and after a moment he says, “They were, yes.”

He looks as if he will say more, but he stays silent, bare feet gliding silently over the floor to sprawl on a futon made of fine fabrics and plush pillows near the fireplace. Jude takes a few more minutes to read—this book is for her own pleasure, but not one of her usuals that focus on strategy and war. This one's about interpreting the stars—before she gets up. 

She puts on a thin slip dress for bed, because soft, loose fabrics are much more comfortable for her to wear in her current state. Cardan’s eyes are on her as she takes her hair from its long, intricately woven braid, combing her fingers through swooping waves. When she walks into the main room of their chambers, he follows closely, stepping around her to make for a wardrobe full of coats and shoes. 

Jude assumes he’s going to look after his plants when he pulls on a pair of smudged boots, the telltale sign of once being mud-clad, but are now wiped clean. She’s rifling through papers at a writing desk when he leaves, pulling one of the doors open to the hall. The guards stationed outside straighten to attention, and Cardan lingers before the in-between of the doorway. Jude stills, watching.

“You’ve yet to visit with me,” he says, eyes front at hall, but it’s directed at Jude and she can hear his message loud and clear: _ Come with me this time. _

It’s what she’s been waiting for. 

Jude only nods and makes to grab a velvet hooded cape from the wardrobe, slipping on her favorite pair of riding boots and waddling to stand beside him. Cardan hides his happiness in his eyes, his face a neutral mask. Jude can see it all the same.

He laces their hands together and they walk past the guards further into the palace, then outside a Northern exit. They’re silent as they make their way, passing only a few fey and knights. The former all seem startled to see both of them, especially dressed the way they are. Jude couldn’t care less.

Dawn is in the midst of breaking outside, soft orange and lilac spilling over the horizon beyond the hills. The grass is wet beside the stone path they walk on, its pleasant scent soothing to Jude. She’s seen the greenhouse before, so she isn’t fazed when they come upon it. It’s a strange building; small and made of gold and glass, dark wood paneling spread throughout. It has sloping crystal-paned roofs on either side of the main entrance. 

They stop before the thin glass doors. Jude can make out the faint outlines of green from within, but not much else. She glances at Cardan in question and finds him looking uncertain. Then, he tilts his head up and pushes the doors open. 

Jude notices the air first. It is thick, a strange mixture of soil and attractive aromas hitting her senses, and it’s almost as if she can taste it all. And then the sun breaks over the land, warmth overflowing with it, and Jude gasps. It’s one of the most breathtaking things she’s ever seen. 

Greens, blues, whites, and more sit before her. Light refracts through crystalline walls that look like massive gems from her perspective inside. The room hums with a distinct magic.

And all at once, Jude finally understands. Everything she can see, all of the swaying, docile things, they’re all proof. Maybe for her, maybe for himself, she doesn’t know, but they’re a testament nonetheless.

Each one of these plants, once unremarkable from the mortal world, now twisted and strange after being in Cardan’s care, is _ thriving. _ The room itself is alive, magic flowing through each root, stem, and leaf of its occupants.

“Do you like it?” Cardan asks, voice hesitant, interrupting her wonder. 

“Cardan,” she says, “This is incredible.” Jude pads to the nearest bunch of flowers. They look delicate, all a soft blue color, but a sticky, clear goo coats them, dripping onto jade stones that sit on top of the soil. The substance flickers, like tiny shards of iridescent glass is sprinkled throughout it. The flowers bend towards her, not menacing in any way, but like a cat purring for a scratch on the head. 

She moves further down, weaving through vined plants hanging in ceramic bowls from the bright ceiling. The appendages brush against her like fingers. One strokes through strands of her hair, alive and curious, and she laughs in amazement. Cardan follows at a distance.

Jude stops in front of a cactus with so many spines it looks like a porcupine. Oak loves those creatures. The succulent flexes and relaxes as if breathing.

“How?” she asks, an overwhelming ache in her chest. She wanders to a small tree that twists and swirls around itself, berries like teardrop candy hanging from its coiled branches. When she turns to face Cardan, she feels the urge to cry. 

He stands some feet away, watching her, hands behind his back. Every living thing in sight reaches towards him, stretching and curling. It would be a disconcerting sight if not for the fact that she knows these plants are alive and it is out of clear affection. He has breathed life into every one of them, coaxed them into friendliness. This is what he’s been doing almost every day at this hour; he’s been out here working, learning, helping them grow. Jude’s throat feels tight at the thought.

“I was… afraid,” he says. “I wanted something to challenge me. I wanted to make something without magic. So, I thought if I could raise a few plants from the mortal world, in a way I might have a chance at being a father.” He smiles bashfully, shaking his head. “It sounds strange, now.”

Cardan reaches for one of the plants sprawling from the ceiling, its tiny leaves wrap around his finger like a child. There’s a fondness to his eyes when he looks at it. 

“It ended up not being a few, as you’ve noticed. Though I was certain I was keeping them alive by mortal means, I couldn’t keep my magic from corrupting them. They began to act out. It upset me… I felt like I failed.” He pulls his hand away, grazing a sparkling bush near his waist. The foliage rumbles at him, startling Jude, but Cardan is unperturbed, as if he deals with it frequently.

_ Oh. He does. _

“Then, after I moved them in here, I began to figure them all out. Each was a puzzle of sorts. Every one distinctly its own. I’ve grown to care for them, genuinely.” 

He steps in front of her, hands by his sides. “They are for you. None will lash out any longer; in fact, they all have rather gentle personalities.”

Jude’s heart feels close to bursting. She takes Cardan’s hands in hers and brings them to her belly, pressing them lightly.

“You will be the most wonderful father,” she says, and she means it with everything she has. The smile he gives her is blinding, and Jude marvels at how beautiful he is. Truly, it leaves her breathless.

“You like them,” he states, still grinning and looking around at his creations, because, yes, that is what they are. 

“I love it all.” She leans up on her toes to kiss him, hands going to his shoulders. 

They spend the early morning in the greenhouse, Cardan showing her around, introducing her to so many interesting and pretty things. She can’t keep her eyes off of him for more than a few seconds at a time. Her thoughts stray to what he will be like with their baby, how he will look with a child in his arms. One of her hands stays resting on her stomach during those hours, the other stays clasped in his.

Jude realizes she’s happy. She couldn’t make the content smile leave her face even if she tried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! We've made it to the end. The idea of Cardan lowkey freaking the hell out over being a father sparked this thought of the plants and idk I thought it was so cute. Love him :')
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me even though I've had this entire thing written since day one. I'm excited to close out this little AU!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Jude can’t think under his stare, beneath his words. His tongue is honey, words sweet and smooth. He is the moon incarnate, and he sings just for her, serenades of sugar and spice and magic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much for reading this series that has 0 plot, I had a lot of fun moments while writing it. This story in particular has been very cathartic to write.
> 
> I do give a description of labor pains and being in later stages of labor in this (I felt it was necessary considering it's basically the climax before Jude has to face what she's been so anxious about since the beginning) so if you'd like to skip to the end, just stop reading at, "She forces herself not to freak out..." and begin again at, "And all at once, it’s over."

When it happens, all Jude feels at first is relief. She’s never felt pain like this, no, but her thoughts aren’t of how much it hurts, they’re of just how eager she is to  _ not _ be pregnant anymore, and to finally meet her baby.

It starts when she’s reading a book in their library, feet tucked up underneath her. The plush chair feels comfortable and soft until it suddenly doesn’t. There’s a slow ache in her lower back, and Jude loses her place on the page for a long moment before the pain ebbs. She makes it through a few more chapters when it comes back, harsher, scorching around to her abdomen. It rises and falls like waves, pushing and pulling, and Jude sits through it, trying her damn hardest to breathe.

She feels like the biggest fool when she realizes that it’s not just normal, everyday pain that she’s experiencing. The book clatters to the floor. Jude stands, but can’t quite straighten all the way as another contraction peaks. Panic rises in her briefly. How long has it been since they began? How far apart have they been? 

Then she flips a switch and thinks through what she needs to do. 

_Get Cardan._ _Get the midwives. _

Or is it the other way around? 

Whichever, she doesn’t care. Jude hobbles forward and bites back a groan, waiting for the pain to leave. When it does, she stands fully, walking as calmly into the main rooms as she can manage. 

Cardan should be meeting with… A general of some sort, she can’t be bothered with it at the moment. The point is, she needs him here  _ right now  _ or she’s really going to lose it. 

Jude takes a deep breath before she wrenches the chamber doors open, startling the guards stationed outside. From the way they stare at her, she must look as horrible as she feels, because they’re momentarily stunned silent. 

“Get the High King,” she says through her teeth, sweat dripping down her temple from nerves. Two guards tear off down the hallway, uncharacteristically frantic for their status. The remaining one is Mivian, to which Jude is immensely grateful. She doesn’t even have to give the order.

“I’ll sound the bell, the midwives will be on there way immediately.” Her deep voice soothes Jude and she nods in response. She refuses to be frightened yet. 

_ Treat it like a task, like you’re doing your part of a job. _

The problem, now, though, Jude thinks when Mivian runs down the opposite end of the hall, is that she’s alone. They’ve had less and less coming to and from their chambers these last months, and really, only Jude’s personal attendants are in this specific area of the palace daily. But now the guards are gone, and the attendants are off somewhere because It’s not yet time for Jude’s first appearance of the night, the sun having just set a few hours ago.

Jude has been in the beginning stages of labor for quite a long time, and now she's without help or much of a clue of what to do. 

She forces herself not to freak out and waddles back into the room.

Pain begins flaring again at some point, starting at her lower back and reaching around, pressure stealing the breath from her lungs. One hand shoots out to grip the desk next to her. It doesn’t provide much stability when she bends over it from the cramps. 

Her inner thighs have begun to ache by the time she makes it into their bed in the other room. Her pelvis is heavy, as if thick stones have been placed there, weighing her down, so she sits down in a chair near the fireplace. Time passes, she doesn't know how long, but eventually she hears boots crashing against the stone floors. 

Jude makes a mental note that this is one of the first times she can hear her husband approach her this clearly. He’s usually silent as a shadow. 

As soon as she catches sight of him standing in the doorway, eyes wide, clothes ruffled from running, she stands abruptly. 

And her water breaks. It’s not like any of the movies she’s seen when in the mortal world, with fluid splattering onto the floor. It’s more subtle, like a steady stream of water when she shifts. It’s absolutely ridiculous timing, and she will surely laugh about it later, but right now Cardan is suddenly in front of her gripping at her elbows, and the amount of discomfort she feels surely has to be written on her face.

“How are you? What can I do?”

“Fine,” she says. It’s really not that bad, yet. “Nothing, I’m fine.” 

He doesn’t look convinced. In fact, he looks more out of it than she is. 

The midwives arrive then, three women, two of them human, one a fey with glittering wings. They shoo Cardan out of the way, which Jude finds hilarious, because she’s the only one who gets to do that to him, usually.

It’s a waiting game after that. The labor is not as long as they told her it might be as her first time. At some point they make her get up from whatever position she is on the bed and have her walk. She really, really does not want to walk, and she tells them so.

The cluck at her, and drag a pacing Cardan to her side. He definitely winces at the grip she has on his arm, slowly leading her around their bedroom and main chambers. He tries speaking to her, but her hot anger has taken control of her at that point, and she just wants to sit down. 

After, it goes quickly. She does what the midwives tell her to, and they prod and press and pull her hair out of her face. They send Cardan out of the bedroom a few times, completely uncaring in the moment about ordering the High King around. Jude adds this to the list of things she’ll find amusing later.

Dawn has come and gone by the time they prepare for her to push. And there is a quick pang of fear, one that she stamps down hard as soon as Cardan’s face is before her, taking her hand in his as they told him to. 

It’s simultaneously as bad and not as bad as she thought it would be. She feels like her body is trying to rip out of its skin. Time loses meaning in those hours. Some parts are the worst thing she’s ever been through, while others she got through no problem. Jude will refuse to be held accountable for the names she called her husband during that time, and yes, she does blame him with colorful language once or twice for her current predicament. He takes it all in stride. 

And all at once, it’s over. 

In the middle of Spring, as the sun passes high in the clouds, Jude gives birth to her son. 

He is a tiny thing with a shock of midnight black hair and what will be pale, golden skin. Jude can’t describe what she feels when they put him into her arms. She bursts into tears. She can’t help it. When she looks at him, drinking in the sight of his little, scrunched face, she feels the world click into place. It’s like she’s been living her entire life without seeing color, and suddenly a rainbow is before her. Each breath she takes feels new, as if her ribs have shifted to make room for the way her heart is singing. 

His small cries fill the air, but Jude can’t even hear them. She never imagined what harboring instant, endless love would be like. She knows without a doubt that she will give everything she has in a heartbeat just to keep him safe and happy. 

She struggles to tear her eyes from him, but when she does, she sees Cardan hovering near her, his gaze locked on them, and there are glittering tears on his skin. He is awestruck, barely breathing.

The midwives carefully lift her son out of her arms to clean him off, and when they bring him back, they give him to Cardan. Jude watches his hands cradle their baby like he’s afraid he’ll break. Cardan pulls him to his chest, and Jude feels another round of tears coming at the sight. 

_ Mine. His. Ours, our baby— _

The emotions flickering across his face has Jude unable to look anywhere else. The swirling ink of his eyes as he looks at their son has a star taking root in Jude’s chest, searing into her bones and marking her forever. 

She feels like flying.

*

Jude sleeps until well after sunset after time spent eating and staring at her child. Really, she could stare at him forever. Just hours ago, he was in her belly, and now he’s here with her and breathing and wiggling around and Jude can’t quite wrap her head around it. 

When she wakes, her hands go to her abdomen, where it’s soft and still round, just… empty. She turns her head to find Cardan there, sitting beside the bed. He wears no shirt and holds their son protectively in his arms. He’s doing nothing but staring at him, absolutely entranced. 

“How will we ever decide on a name,” he whispers to Jude without looking up. 

That’s right. A name. They’ve never really discussed it, always claiming they’ll know when they see the baby. 

“I have no idea,” she says back, voice hoarse, limbs aching as she wipes matted hair from her face. 

It takes them two days. Jude likes to think of it as the most calm argument they've ever had.

“Elios,” she suggests during her first bath after becoming a mother. Cardan pauses, their baby tucked against his shoulder. 

“No, that’s not right.” 

She nods in agreement. 

Later, over a meal that Jude devours without manners, Cardan says, “Aarus?” 

She looks up to find him staring quizzically at the tiny boy swaddled in the crib they had made for him. “Doesn’t fit,” she responds. 

Before bed, he says, “I feel I’ve fully considered every possibility and none sound good enough.”

Jude smiles. “We could always name him something shockingly mortal, like  _ Scott.” _

Cardan scowls at her. Her grin widens.

“Rhyde,” she says when night falls and they wake. Both are cooing over the baby sleeping soundly beneath moonbeams. 

“I detest that one,” he says, but his voice is light and singsongy. She agrees with him. 

“Aegar,” he says at midnight, fingers caressing their child’s soft tan skin, poking at his adorable toes. 

“That’s the ninth name with an A you’ve suggested, we’re not doing a name with an A.” 

“_Why,_ Jude?” he whines.

“Because this is my son and I said so.”

“Our son,” he murmurs, eyes on him. Butterflies erupt in her stomach.

In the end, it’s her picks. The sun has just risen, pastels mixing in the sky. The air outside is sweet and warm, and suddenly, it’s dancing on Jude’s tongue like it’s been waiting for ages.

“Faron,” she tests, staring out of the nursery window. It falls from her lips like honey. 

“Faron,” Cardan repeats. She didn’t know he was listening, thinking him as lost in his thoughts as she is while he rocks the sleeping boy. “I do like that.” 

She turns to him, back leaning against the wall. “Really?”

He looks to her, eyes shining. “Yes.” 

*

The first weeks pass quickly, sliding through Jude’s grasp like water. She’s been too busy to really think, just basking in the knowledge that she and Cardan have a baby and they’re a family and Jude has never been so happy in her life. 

Vivi and Aleena come with Oak to visit a week after Faron is born. Aleena falls in love at first sight. Vivi looks ecstatic the entire time and spends the day teasing Cardan on how much his son resembles him. Cardan is nothing but proud. Oak doesn’t care much for the fussy child, but he's pleasant company. He brightens visibly when they all talk about school and life in the mortal world. 

Oriana stops by with Taryn. Cardan can’t get out of certain duties when they arrive, so it’s just Jude who greets them in one of the public gardens, reveling in the way they bow before her and her son. Oriana fawns over Faron they way she used to with Oak, and that settles something within Jude.

Taryn doesn’t say much except for complimenting Jude on the health and beauty of Faron.

Cardan strides into the clearing not long before they leave, all lithe figure and pitch black hair curling around his neck. His boots clack on the smooth stone path. He wears a billowy, dark green shirt embroidered with gold along the sleeves and chest. It complements the Blood Crown sitting haughtily on his brow. He doesn’t look at the guests.

She takes his ringed hand when he approaches, and he kisses her cheek, smiling softly. The look is gone when he turns to the others. They bow to him and exchange pleasantries. 

Cardan then takes a sleeping Faron out of Jude’s arms and walks him over to a pond home to a family of tiny singing frogs. Jude bids them all goodbye soon after, taking Taryn’s hands withing hers briefly and squeezing them. The look her sister gives her says a thousand words. Oriana gives Jude an approving nod, and it seems almost like a compliment.

She joins Cardan at the water. They stay there for some time. 

*

Days later, Jude puts Faron down to sleep when it hits her.

Terror, like she hasn't felt it in weeks. 

It spreads like a forest set ablaze. She doesn’t understand why it’s come on so suddenly, she’s been doing fine, Cardan has been wonderful, they’ve both spent so much time with Faron, already Jude recognizes his father in him. Things have been _perfect,_ and her anxiety has to go and ruin it.

She steps back from the crib, arms folding across her chest. Familiar thoughts run through her mind, the biggest one standing out as if its caught fire.

_ You’re going to fail. _

She’s there until Cardan comes back from his greenhouse, smelling of sweet candy and earth. He notices her distress right away. The coat he’s wearing drops to the floor on his way over to her. He presses against her back, arms folding around her waist, chin resting on her shoulder. Jude’s eyes stay on Faron, swaddled among many small blankets. His face is peaceful, his hair so much like what’s brushing against her neck at the moment. 

There is a second where Jude feels completely at ease, her husband surrounding her, both their eyes on the baby they made. Something spreads in her chest, buttery soft and aching. She wants to keep it there forever.

“What’s the matter?” Cardan speaks against her cheek, quiet. Jude takes a moment, wrestling with herself.

“The same,” she relents. Cardan hums. 

“You think of yourself as lacking, when your entire life you have only proved that you’re able to do anything. It’s perplexing to witness.” He presses a kiss to her jaw. 

“I don’t even know how I got here. I don’t know how I’ve accomplished what I have.”

“I suppose ambition can be blinding,” he says, tone nonchalant. 

Jude smiles. “You know what I mean.”

“Yes. You don’t recognize that when you are determined, you will not stop until you’ve reached your goal, no matter what it is. You’ve never let yourself fail before, so why do you think you will now?”

She mulls it over, then whispers, “I don’t know.”

Cardan uncurls himself from her, stepping around to face her directly. Faron still sleeps soundly. For a moment, her husband simply looks at her, eye flicking across her skin. His brow furrows, a small frown on his mouth. 

“Jude,” he says, her name on his lips sounds like a promise. “You have no idea of the power you hold.” 

It washes over her like a caress. 

“It is all around you, in the air when you enter a room. No one can mistake it. It is everything you are: Your ferocity, the way you accomplish things purely out of spite, the sheer will you have that could end all other wills. I admire you more than I can hope to describe.” 

Her heartbeat flutters. Jude doesn’t know what to say, so she keeps quiet, her gaze held within his.

“It is what captivated me, back then. You were like a force, and I ran from you as I did everything else. I used to tell myself I was weak while I was under your command because I couldn’t help myself. Each time I took one step closer to you, I would stumble farther than I intended. So long I spent dancing within your shadow, fearing that you would notice. And then fear became longing.” His fingers graze over her cheek, his eyes deep and far away. 

“I committed everything to memory, frightened I would lose you. The way you move, the way you  _ breathe.” _ His thumb sweeps over her bottom lip. ”The look in your eyes the first time we were together.” He looks caught in a dream. Jude shudders, tingles running down her spine. 

“I was tired of playing our games long before I realized. I wanted you so badly, for everything you were. Everything you are now.”

Jude swallows thickly. Cardan smiles to himself, eyes closing. When he opens them, Jude’s breath hitches. 

“Sometimes, you look at me and I feel raw, like I’m missing my skin.” He drops his hand to his side. “Like my ribs have cracked open, and I hold my heart in my hands, baring every cruel and horrible thought I’ve ever had for your gaze.”

And Jude can’t think under his stare, beneath his words. His tongue is honey, words sweet and smooth. He is the moon incarnate, and he sings just for her, serenades of sugar and spice and magic. 

Jude has nothing to say to him that could compare, but she knows that he won’t mind. He isn’t looking for that. So she reaches for him, hands brushing against his jaw, thumbs stroking against marble skin. And she tries, she tries so hard to pour everything she feels out through her eyes, and she says, “You are everything.”

She kisses him softly on the mouth, feels the thrum of life and power that radiates from his skin.

“I dream just for you.”

And it’s enough. It’s more than enough, because he understands, and he always will.

*

_ **FIN** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me at [toartemis](https://toartemis.tumblr.com) on tumblr.


End file.
